Thinking Out Loud – Maryann Kerr
By Maryann Kerr
I’ve always wanted to write humorous pieces. Oh, to be witty and pithy and bring you a smile. But that’s just not me. Even at 11 years old, my writing was on topics like “growing up” and “why family matters.”
I am not, generally speaking, a light-hearted person. I can be light-hearted. I am full of gratitude and joy. But I dig deep to be silly. That’s why I’m grateful that my daughters and husband are those people who laugh out loud at goofy TV shows and can watch the same funny movie over and over. As an introvert, I’m happy to retreat to my comfy chair and listen to them laugh.
When I write, it usually flows. This article, I’ve walked away from a few times. I realized this morning, on the fourth day of starting and stopping, it’s because I’m sad. I’m sad and I don’t want to spread that sadness to those who grace me with the privilege of their time and attention. So, this is a warning. This article is about what I learned or leaned into over the course of a truly challenging year. If you are looking for something lighter, can I suggest Talladega Nights or Elf?
Globally, nationally, locally, personally — it feels like there is one piece of bad news after another. Whether it’s the indefensible human rights violations in Iran, death and destruction in Ukraine, governance failures like Hockey Canada, the looming recession, climate change or our eroded healthcare system, it feels never ending.
At the same time, there is significant, heated debate and discussion in the social impact sector about the decolonization of wealth and eradicating the White saviourism inherent in traditional ‘charity’ work. Leaders debate the pros and cons of a more egalitarian approach to fundraising. They want to listen to local communities on how best to deliver missions by ‘working alongside’ rather than ‘seeking to serve.’
We have trained generations of social impact sector staff to centre the donor and put recipients of our programs on brochures and stages to celebrate what could not be done without those same donors. We’ve attended direct marketing seminars that apply customer-loyalty language to our work. We say, “Thanks to you, Jane will live to see anther day.” Now, we are turning that on its head — and there seems to be an expectation that folks will just fall in line. It’s a lot.
And as a result, I’m overwhelmed. I’m sad. I’m struggling to articulate my fears, hopes or aspirations. A friend suggested I focus on the serenity prayer as a way to filter through the myriad of things percolating in my ADHD brain. So, I tried it.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can and
The wisdom to know the difference.”
Of course, you know I can’t just pray it without peeling back the layers.
I don’t believe that some things are unchangeable. I think, more accurately, it’s that some things are unlikely to change in our lifetimes. But does that mean we shouldn’t still work towards changing them?
I know I have courage. As author Susan David so aptly writes in Emotional Agility, “Courage is not an absence of fear; courage is fear walking.” (p127) At times, in spite of frequently taking my fear for a walk, I find myself doubting whether I’m making a difference.
Perhaps most difficult, is accessing the wisdom to know which issues to tackle and which to leave to someone else. That’s partly my ADHD and partly the outreach I receive on social media. Folks asking me to share, like, comment, engage. And I do. If I can. But I won’t share what I have not read myself and this can send me down some long, time-consuming and distracting rabbit-holes.
So how do I manage the sense of overwhelming and the melancholia?
I do a few things. First, I take time away from social media. I read fiction instead of my usual steady stream of non-fiction. I escape with Netflix and write in my journal. I look back on my writing and think about what I’ve learned.
This year delivered some great learning and reminders. A highlight for me was the release of Susan Cain’s book Bittersweet. Like her book Quiet, this one helped me to feel seen, heard and understood. I am a joyful, grateful and melancholy human being. I practice gratitude with deep conviction, and I understand, now, that it is okay to feel deeply. To long. To care. Cain writes:
“…sadness sits in the same location as our need to breathe, digest food, reproduce, and protect our babies; in the same place as our desire to be rewarded and to enjoy life’s pleasures. They tell us, as Keltner explained to me, that “caring is right at the heart of human existence. Sadness is about caring. And the mother of sadness is compassion.” (p10-11)
My hope for 2023 is that it is the year of compassion. The year we truly see, hear and seek to understand each other. Maybe these “Thinking Out Loud” thoughts will help.
1. When you doubt yourself reach out to colleagues who will remind you that you are both impactful and effective. And that you are enough.
This is tricky when you are a single-shingle consultant so when it happens to me, I read the kind and generous notes received in relation to my book Tarnished: Let’s rethink, re-imagine and co-create a new social impact sector. Those notes remind me that change on a personal level may lead to institutional change which may lead to systemic change. That’s my goal: to change the world for social impact sector workers, one reader at a time.
2. Stand up for yourself and others.
People are not used to folks standing up for themselves. This is particularly true if you identify as a woman. When you stand up for yourself, ask to be included, question why you are not included — folks don’t know what to make of it. They will accuse you of “lashing out” rather than consider how they might have been more inclusive. You will also be called bitter and mean. This is why standing up for yourself is only possible if you have a very strong sense of who you really are. Don’t let the haters get you down. Don’t let anyone tell you who you are. You know.
3. When you begin a new project, every single time, ask yourself – who should be involved?
Who should lead? Co-lead? Who is missing? Why are they missing? Often those you’ve chosen to exclude, because it is a choice, are the very folks who might bring a perspective you had not considered. Let’s break out of our cliques. If you don’t stop to think about this at the onset of a project, you will find yourself facing push back from the folks who ought to have been there in the first place. When those you’ve chosen to exclude speak up for themselves, please refer to point # 2 above.
4. Give your colleagues the benefit of the doubt.
Don’t immediately believe that because their lived experience is different to yours that they disagree. There is always more than one right answer. Make space to explore, discuss and walk away for awhile to digest and reflect. Treat each other with kindness, respect and a deep belief that the more minds contributing to a project, the better the outcome.
5. Let’s stop publicly ridiculing by naming and shaming. Not donors, not foundations not colleagues.
This is a tricky one. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want sexual predators to go un-named. I’d also like to call out a few workplace bullies. Unfortunately, the misuse of non-disclosure agreements means that leaders who break the law will be protected, and their victims will continue to suffer and relive their trauma.
However, I’ve watched too many people I know and respect, be called all manner of nasty things particularly on social media. I’ve watched leaders in our sector take joy in being blocked by other leaders. I’ve seen the silly memes that seek to belittle another. I’ve done it myself and when it was pointed out, I did better. Let’s all do better.
5b. Let’s stop the misuse of NDA’s.
6. Let’s stop cancelling each other.
The first time I was cancelled it was brought to my attention that being cancelled is a sign you are doing something right. It is a sign that you are having an impact. When I complained that it was really hard to be cancelled and that at my age, it was akin to being told I’m irrelevant and no longer needed. I was told: You can do hard things. (Thanks, Glennon Doyle.)
7. Let’s remember there is a difference between being kind and being nice.
This is simple. When someone has confidence, self-assuredness, self-respect and self-compassion — they can come across as mean because they won’t let others walk all over them. They won’t stand by when they or someone else is being disrespected, bullied or excluded. This does not make them unkind even if they handle it in a way you think isn’t ‘nice.’ (See #2, page 15.)
8. Let’s stop judging others using ourselves as the benchmark.
We all do this. But let’s try something else. Let’s use curiosity as our guide.
I thought about this when talking to a friend about another friend who is thinking about bringing a second dog into their home. Oh, we had a thing or two to say about that. Not directly to our friend of course.
“They hardly have time to take care of the one they have.” “Are they nuts, they are always complaining they can’t make ends meet — do they have any idea how much a second dog might cost?” “I don’t think they’ve really thought this out.” We had a ride on the carousel of judgement and boy did we go round and round. Our bad.
At no point did we wonder, why? We were not curious about their thinking we were just sure we were right. It is easy to spiral, and to judge. Far less easy to care, wonder, and engage.
As the year ends and I celebrate the one-year anniversary of being a published author, I am grateful for incredible friends, colleagues and family. I am grateful for opportunities — like the one provided by my book publisher Jim Hilborn and the publisher of Foundation Magazine Steve Lloyd. I am grateful for meaningful work and brilliant clients. I am grateful for you. Thank you for taking the time to read and engage. Without you, there is no me. Sawa Bona. I see you.
Maryann Kerr is Chief Happiness Officer, CEO and principal consultant with the Medalist Group. Maryann is a governance, leadership and culture specialist, has worked in the social profit sector for 34 years and helped raise over $110M. She is an associate consultant with Global Philanthropic Canada. Maryann is a sector leader with a passion for her social justice, feminism, and continuous learning. Maryann’s first book was published by Civil Sector Press in 2021: Tarnished: Let’s rethink, reimagine and co-create a new social impact sector. Maryann earned her CFRE in 1997 and her master’s in organizational leadership in 2016. She is currently exploring opportunities for a Ph.D. or perhaps a second book. She writes this column exclusively for each issue of Foundation Magazine.
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