THINKING OUT LOUD – By Maryann Kerr
I’ve been thinking a lot about unity, community and connection.
One of my favourite people (FP) was recently diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. Once FP had informed closely held family, friends and coworkers and the initial sharing was complete I was tasked with managing communications. This meant checking in with FP about who to tell, how much to tell, when to tell, and how to tell. As the person living with the illness, FP’s energy was focused on coming to terms with a life-altering diagnosis and a gruelling treatment plan. Talking about a cancer diagnosis, particularly when you are processing and undergoing treatment is hard and repetitive work.
At times FP would share the news abruptly, leaving the recipient of the information shocked and dismayed. Other times, FP chose to keep the diagnosis private as friends were just about to leave for a 30th anniversary trip or with concern the information would get back to their 94-year-old bed-ridden parent. Mostly, FP just didn’t want to talk about it.
Every text, phone call, email add up to create stress and deplete limited energy. At the same time, relationships are everything, and we want to keep them close and healthy. We chose to use a website called CaringBridge to build a community of information around FP’s diagnosis. It still takes some effort, but it means when FP is tired or not up to a call or text, they know that the people they care about are kept up to date on their journey.
I write the posts; FP approves them — when not in a post surgery haze. FP loves to hear the comments from friends and family. They help FP feel part of what is happening outside of a treatment room or recovery bed.
There is some resistance to this. Some folks don’t like to be treated in an egalitarian manner. They like to feel that their friendship is ‘more’ special than another. It may be. They are family and don’t want to be lumped in with friends or colleagues. Understood. They continue to call or text or email. They let FP know that they love them, but they won’t be posting on the CaringBridge site because they don’t do that sort of thing.
I will admit, I find this frustrating and then remind myself, it’s not about me. In community, we make it about others. We challenge ourselves and stretch our limits to accommodate the greater good. We center others. In this case, we center FP.
It is about the effort not the outcome. It is about participation not getting it 100 percent right.
Whether we want to believe it or not, particularly if we are proponents of the positive psychology movement, our lives are filled with traumas big and small. Being “in community” helps us to navigate them.
When the trauma is a big one, like a cancer diagnosis, there can be a sense of isolation and disconnection. You want to feel part of a familiar community filled with people you know. When you read a comment on a site like the CaringBridge, it reminds you of all the people out there who are cheering you on. Loving you. Missing you. Connected to you through work or home or since you were in grade three.
For FP, this sense of community is an unintended outcome of the CaringBridge site. When those who love FP are looking for a way to be helpful in a long hour of need, this small action can make a world of difference.
If the pandemic taught us anything, it was how important human connection is to our health and happiness. I hope we can hang on to that lesson in the days ahead. In his grand-daughter’s book, Everyday Ubuntu, Desmond Tutu wrote: “The lesson of ubuntu is best described in a proverb that is found in almost every African language, whose translation is, “A person is a person through other persons.’ The fundamental meaning of the proverb is that everything we learn and experience in the world is through our relationships with other people. We are therefore called to examine our actions and thoughts, not just for what they will achieve for us, but for how they impact on others with whom we are in contact.” (p. 8 Everyday Ubuntu by Mungi Ngomane)
We build connection, community and unity one relationship at a time. As we shared in this publication last April, everything comes down to relationships. FP receives this community of support with deep humility, and it fills us with hope. The community of care around FP is sustenance for the soul.
I am grateful to be in community with you through this issue of Foundation Magazine. As always, we welcome your comments and feedback and suggestions.
Maryann Kerr is Chief Happiness Officer, CEO and principal consultant with the Medalist Group. Maryann is a governance, leadership and culture specialist, has worked in the social profit sector for 34 years and helped raise over $110M. She is an associate consultant with Global Philanthropic Canada. Maryann is a sector leader with a passion for her social justice, feminism, and continuous learning.
Maryann’s first book was published by Civil Sector Press in 2021: Tarnished: Let’s rethink, reimagine and co-create a new social impact sector. Maryann earned her CFRE in 1997 and her master’s in organizational leadership in 2016. She is currently exploring opportunities for a Ph.D. or perhaps a second book. She writes this column exclusively for each issue of Foundation Magazine.
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