Raised To Be Nice

Thinking Out Loud – Maryann Kerr

By Maryann Kerr

If you have not watched the film Deconstructing Karen on CBC’s The Passionate Eye1, I highly recommend it. The film documents the work of Saira Rao2 and Regina Jackson3 Co-Founders of the Race2Dinner4. Race2Dinner’s mission:

… is simple — reveal the naked truth about RACISM in America and UNLEASH YOUR POWER as white people to dismantle it. This isn’t the stuff of Trump, the KKK and Nazis. That’s easy, it’s obvious and denouncing it requires almost nothing of white folks. What’s hard? Looking at yourself in the mirror and acknowledging that, as a white person in America, you are an active participant in upholding white supremacy. This isn’t personal. This doesn’t make you bad. This is systemic. This makes you human and an integral part of that system. Black, Indigenous and other People of Color are also part of the system. The truth is, we are on opposing sides: BIPOC are on the receiving end of white supremacy while white people are on the giving end. Until and unless white people are willing to disrupt white supremacy, we will never see change. White people: YOU have the power to disrupt and dismantle the hate.5

We do indeed. The film speaks to the willingness of the facilitators to meet liberal White women where they are. This is an essential component of the anti-racism journey. So many of us were raised to be “nice” at all costs. That niceness is one of the reasons liberal White women are among the biggest deniers of racism — our own and that of others. It isn’t “nice” to call out racism and we believe ourselves to be “too nice” to be considered racist ourselves. It is a vicious cycle.

The Race2Dinner gives White women the opportunity to connect with systems that have raised them and taught them to be inherently and sometimes unconsciously racist. It isn’t a personal attack on the attendees, it is an eye-opening to understanding the experience of the global majority6 in a part of the world that operates within a system of white supremacy.7

The conversation, over drinks and dinner, provides a brave space to ask participants to start with themselves — to see their own racism. The hope, of course, is that dinner attendees will listen to and believe in the experience of folks from the global majority and be open to understanding the part they play in upholding an oppressive system. Perhaps, a few will even go on to be actively anti-racist — to rage against it — within their own circles of care, communities and places of work and worship.

Over dinner it is suggested that coming to terms with our own racism is hard. This proves true, to varying degrees, for the women in attendance. Acknowledging our own racism flies in the face of our belief in ourselves as good, kind, nice people. It isn’t hard for everyone. Some folks came to an understanding quicker than others and immediately understood they are complicit. For others, being so deeply rooted in their ‘niceness’ and belief that all discourse should be pleasant and polite, never moved far beyond a defensive stance.

The film is filled with powerful moments. At one point, the facilitators suggest that if any of the women feel the need to cry, they should leave the table and go to the next room where they would find tissue. This was hard for some to understand. Was this not a ‘safe’ space where they could feel free to express their feelings? No, not exactly. It is a brave space where the focus needs to stay the issue of racism and not on how you feel as you confront your own. This is commonly referred to as White fragility.

Racism is alive and well in our sector. At present, the folks talking about it are primarily from the global majority. Sometimes this makes sense. However, as the Race2Dinner mission statement suggests, as part of the dominant White culture, those of us who are White presenting have a responsibility to disrupt and dismantle the status quo. We need to look inside and recognize that we are products of our upbringings, our current environments, our education, and we must rage against all the biases we’ve inherently adopted.

At times, I’ve taken a beating on social media because I still believe this work can be done in a manner that doesn’t isolate, intimidate or crush another. This isn’t me being a White moderate or wanting to play nice. Though that is definitely part of who I am. It is simply that, if we want to avoid the natural response that is defensiveness in these conversations — we need to have hard conversations with compassion just as they do in the Race2Dinner.

The facilitators were genuine, authentic and firm. They were not always ‘nice’ but they were kind. And oh, the patience. How many times have they said the same thing over and over again? How many times have they felt the sting of defensiveness, shock, disbelief and denial? How many times have they valiantly shared their lived experience only to be met with skepticism and cries of “no, not me.” I wonder if it is sustainable.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about centring White women, or showing more compassion for their fragility than the experience of Black women in the world. It is about desperately wanting to make progress. I hope you’ll watch the film and take the learnings into your own conversations. I hope you’ll watch and recognize that having a Black friend, partner, child… doesn’t make you less racist. I hope you’ll watch and then BE different. I hope you’ll watch and realize that if you are White presenting, to be called a White woman, is not an insult and is not creating division — it is simply naming you what you are8.

Watching this film and now reading the book White Women: Everything you Already Know About Your Own Racism and How To Do Better, by Saira Rao and Regina Jackson9 has revived some long faded hope that perhaps the world is moving towards a more equitable, less violent future. Now Shhhh….time to watch and listen.

Maryann Kerr is Chief Happiness Officer, CEO and principal consultant with the Medalist Group. Maryann is a governance, leadership and culture specialist, has worked in the social profit sector for 34 years and helped raise over $110M. She is an associate consultant with Global Philanthropic Canada. Maryann is a sector leader with a passion for her social justice, feminism, and continuous learning. Maryann’s first book was published by Civil Sector Press in 2021: Tarnished: Let’s rethink, reimagine and co-create a new social impact sector. Maryann earned her CFRE in 1997 and her master’s in organizational leadership in 2016. She is currently exploring opportunities for a Ph.D. or perhaps a second book. She writes this column exclusively for each issue of Foundation Magazine.

1 Deconstructing Karen | The Passionate Eye (cbc.ca)
2 Saira Rao | LinkedIn
3 Regina Jackson | LinkedIn
4 Race2Dinner: Overview | LinkedIn
5 Ibid
6 GLOBAL MAJORITY | English meaning – Cambridge Dictionary
7 WHITE SUPREMACY | English meaning – Cambridge Dictionary
8 Why Is The Phrase ‘White Women’ Triggering For Many White Women? (forbes.com)
9 White Women – Race To Dinner (race2dinner.com)